This Square is Circling around again

7 years ago, when I started seminary, I was SO MAD at Jesus, I didn’t even want to relate to him. When we were asked to spiritually work with him, learn from him, ask him to assist us, etc – I worked with someone else on the spiritual level, because on a deep level, I really didn’t want to have anything to do with Jesus.

(I should say that within a year or so, that had completely changed. It took some investment in our relationship, and allowing God to heal me in a myriad of ways, but I am grateful to report that for a long time now, I have an ever-deepening, respectful, playful & loving relationship with Jesus, and we work Really well together!! I can’t say enough about how amazing he is ; )

But, back then, for many years, I was very mad at Jesus. And, worse, the reasons I was angry had absolutely nothing to do with him. It was all to do with my relationship to Jesus’ followers... Christians.

I couldn’t stand how ‘Christians’ were (in many public ways) behaving in the world, and I blamed Jesus.

More importantly, I was really hurt and angry about how I had been treated by many Christians, and I blamed Jesus.


Since my late teens, I did my best to follow where God led me. God led me to do and be and believe in many ways that are generally unpopular for Christians. So I ‘took a lot of crap’ from Christians. I gave some back, too ; )

• Part of this was just my path, I had to follow my path, and it was off the ‘beaten-track’. I had to be willing to do God’s will, whether it was popular or unpopular, whether it was in alignment with what I, and Christians in general, thought I ‘Should Be,' or not.

• Part of this was, I had to be re-trained. There are things that most Christians just know to be true: certain ways of speaking, being, understanding spirituality, God and the bible, relating to the world, etc. In the United States there is a generally Christian way-of-being. It has different flavors and variations, but although we fight like the siblings we are, we hold most things in a common ‘world-view’ in the Christian family. God pulled me apart from the 'herd' so I could get un-habituated to this Christian world-view and way-of-being. So I could see the habits more clearly. And mostly so I could drop them, un-habituate from Christianity, and instead habituate to following my unique path in God.

• Part of this was, I had to let go of being validated by Christians. I had to learn to be inner-directed, not outer-directed. I had to learn to listen and follow the ways of God and not be compulsively trying to fit-in, or obsessively needing validation from Christians. I had to learn to let their rejection and judgment pass through my space without “taking me off my game.” I had to learn to let my joy be full, ‘outside the camp.’

Through all this I made ‘friends’ and ‘enemies.’ I have ‘fixed’ and ‘broken’ (repeat) relationships and structures – both inside and outside the Christian 'camp'. Mostly, it has been the experience of going through amazing and endless cycles of feeling ‘fixed’ and ‘broken’ – sometimes both at the same time! All this was often hard and painful, although the fruit is very sweet. And of course this all is still in progress... I'm Not ‘baked’ yet, not nearly!


Meanwhile, after decades of being chased from the Christian 'camp' by God, and feeling like a square peg in a round hole (at best) with many Christians, there is a sea-change happening. I feel drawn back deeper into the Christian 'camp'.

I don’t know for how long? I don’t know how it will go? I am excited and afraid, hopeful and cautious. I guess no matter what, it will be a learning/growing experience!

Does 'service' = spirituality?

A friend wrote me about the centrality of SERVICE in the spiritual life,
with the idea that the Ascended Masters did it, and we should too...

I believe service into the world occurs as fruit of our life as spirit in this world, and it comes in it season.  But, it should not be an end in itself, or even necessarily a means to a spiritual end, unless we are actively led in our unique spiritual path, to a particular service in a a specific space/time.

So, I wrote her to say:

If I try to think about the Master's priorities and how they serve, I could write a whole book.
But, keeping it simple is Key.

When I asked what Master's look like, what they all have in common, I saw a picture that looks like:

Being one with the Light,
like being in a waterfall of light, very bright.
Aligned with Source, as well as grounded in the physical world.

From my perspective, how that occurs in the physical,
is completely unique manifestation, focus and energies for each Master– as it is for each of us!
And of course they share things in common.

On a spiritual level, I see how it manifests; it spiritually looks like clouds, or waves, billowing out from the Master, in all directions (when the waterfall hits bottom it plumes out...).
From my perspective, it is the energy billowing out that is the service the Master offers in this world,
Not any particular way it looks on the physical…

On the physical - Peach trees make peaches, plum tress make plums.
They just do it, no effort, no shoulds, no agenda, no try.
It is like falling off a log – and there is fruit ; )

My friend responded, in support of her focus that service is spirituality:

Christ taught, he spoke, he did miracles. In teaching he filled the hearts of many. In speaking he brought hope to many. In performing miracles he was an example of breaking the shackles of this world to many. But it was in his actions with the poor, the sick, the helpless and the discarded ... did he show the many.

My response: yes, and...
Jesus, from my perspective, did a whole lot of NONE of that for ~ 30 years.
Three decades is a Very Long Time.
He was Jesus the Christ and he did relatively nothing of note for ~10/11ths of his whole entire human life!

I believe out of (from, because of) his quiet, non-obviously miraculous/healing/serving/inspirational/freedom-producing/demon-casting/etc 30 years, he was ready for public ministry.
Before that, not-so-much…

He did his work, deepened in himself and in the Father, increased in Knowledge and Power, etc.
He was centered in who he was and what God had him to do.
Then and only then did he go out to serve… as he was led/called to do, not just any ol' thing!

Even then, in the last ~ 3 years of his life, he was constantly moving away from the crowds. He consistently sought out the quiet, if he had to at night, to be with the Father, to do his spiritual work – or else he couldn’t have done what he did.

Great fruit. Amazing fruit. Fruit comes in its season, not before.

Mountains are not better than valleys. Valleys are not better than mountains.

I have been getting schooled in some things the last couple weeks - the main message of which, I keep getting as:

Mountains are not better than valleys. Valleys are not better than mountains.

Which is the picture and words for the general concept:

dichotomies, or opposites - just Are in this reality,
and are not (on a spiritual level) to be set in competition (including judgment) with each other.
Mountains and valleys each just Are.

I may Prefer one thing to another at a particular time/space, but in and of itself on a spiritual level -

• left is not better than right
• fat is not better than thin
• old is not better than young
• rich is not better than poor
• death is not better than birth
• war is not better than peace
• you probably get the idea...

(Of course, spiritually, one becomes more or less beneficial for me the moment Gd says - 'go left', or 'sell all you have and follow me'. I am bringing this up to be clear, but this is an aside from what I am learning right now...)

In context, a couple weeks ago, Gd started me working with Jesus on a Big healing project -
basically integrating 2 large ‘bags of energy’ = basically 'lost parts' of myself.
(one bag can be called ‘shadow stuff’; one could say the other bag is a ‘male’ counterpart to myself).

This full integration will probably take about a year,
but the perception of change within (and outside me a bit) is palpable.

The enjoyable part has been that I feel increasing more whole – remarkably so – like Swiss cheese getting filled in. Or like I was filled with billiard balls and now all the spaces are getting filled with sand – it is bizarre!

The interesting part is learning to ride the wave of different emotions and ‘ways of being’ that are surfacing, that I haven’t had to ‘handle’ consciously as I am now – like male aggression!

The challenging part energetically is – there are many reasons why I separated these parts of myself (beliefs, experiences, limits, lies, judgments, etc).
So, predictably, as I reintegrate these ‘lost parts’, it is intense and stirs up many things that I need to allow Gd to wash away, if I am to keep going and not pop / die / go insane - whatever!

So Jesus has encouraged me to work with Lao Tse (yeah, the ~4–6th century BCE Chinese Philosopher, founder of Taoism, who the wrote Daodejing)

Lao Tse has been extraordinary in assisting me to let go of the many things that cause me to be ‘bent’ and reject my *self* – things like judgment, etc.
These issues caused me to separate myself from myself.
And now, these issues are in the way of re-integration…

Lao Tse has been assisting me SO Much with these changes.
And with helping me to open to receiving energy from Gd that helps me to release judgment etc, allow more balance, and continually let go.
I have been calling the energy equanimity, which is probably accurate, but doesn’t feel big enough.

I have found reading a definition of ‘Pu’ (a major concept in the Daodejing) feels like it may be a more well-rounded description of the energy I am receiving from Gd, and foundationally what I am learning from Lao Tse (I have some stuff below on Pu if you are interested)

Anyway my picture for this learning of non-judgment and balance is –
The mountain and the valley next to each other
– juxtaposed
– with no prejudice, no preconceptions, no better-ness between them…


Blessings on your unique path, Wendy


Pu

lit. "uncut wood"

translated "uncarved block", "unhewn log", or "simplicity".

represents a state of receptiveness, child-likeness.

Pu is a symbol for a state of pure potential and perception without prejudice.

In this state, Taoists believe everything is seen as it is, without preconceptions or illusion.

unburdened by knowledge or experiences.

no right or wrong, beautiful or ugly.

only pure experience, or awareness, free from learned labels and definitions.

It is this state of being that is the goal of following wu wei.


- want to read more like this?
Try Finding Balance: let the waves come, let them go

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